Restoring a Heart of Broken Dreams
The journey in restoring a house of broken dreams.
As I moved into our new home and closed the “building chapter” so a new one could begin, I've found myself reflecting on the journey that brought me here. I’ve found myself having moments of “Is this REAL LIFE!?!” and “How different I would feel in this home had I not the courage to come face to face with some of my greatest judgements and fears of myself and others along the way.”
I remember as a child, my mother dreaming of building a home into the hill behind our single wide trailer. This was something she spoke of often and knew exactly how it’d be. From the sunken family room style to the frames and saddles on the walls.
She'd drawn the plans for this home out on graph paper and together as a family we'd dream together with eagerness and joy of what living in this home would be like.
The memories then shift to the bitterness, resentment and frustration she felt when these dreams never became her reality. My heart shattering as we left home and everything I had ever known.
It was as if her dream was laid to rest the day we moved away and onto our new place that would never really feel like home.
The new farm would require longer days of work and striving and bring more frustration, greater despair, and regret to our family leaving little space for peace and rest. It was like another spoke breaking in the wheel, causing the ride to be harder and the bumps felt deeper.
It’s as if, there, our ability to dream had died and living in scarcity and survival took its place. For the pain of shattered dreams had become so great we’d be foolish to ever dream again.
Our new “house” had itself been neglected for over 40 years. From the roof to the septic & the floors, nothing had ever been updated nor repaired and the needed maintenance was only magnified a hundred percent when our family of 10 moved in!
The floors deteriorated faster, the holes in the roof seemed to grow with every storm, from drops of rain seeping through the ceiling to a steady stream running into the giant rubbermaid tub. It was a house that would never really feel like home.
I realize now, it wasn’t only our family’s dream home that was laid to rest, but it was like I had barred a wall in my own heart from ever dreaming of what I might one day like to have in a home. I realize that now, as I remember sitting down at the design consultation with no plan in hand nor real dream in my heart.
I didn’t know the layout or design but I did know what I wanted to FEEL and wanted to ensure, for the first time, I might finally feel at HOME.
At the same time, I remember those first meetings and the way my heart was filled with dread, worry, frustration, pain and standing in shadows of despair. In the midst of one of the most challenging seasons of my life, sorting through the stories reeling inside my mind and struggling to make sence of the pain, disconnect and misunderstanding I felt deep inside. I struggled to accept the first lot I’d fallen head over heels for wasn’t available and we were moving onto a new lot and area we’d found.
And yet, I see now how the timing of even this was by no accident.
Frustrated by repeating patterns in failing friendships, struggling with health issues and literally a failing mind while feeling desperately alone, doing my best to keep it together and make everything appear as if I wasn’t so desperately broken and hurting inside.
It was at this same time, I started my own journey of transformation and the work it would take to heal my mind and my heart.
The journey that’s brought me here hasn’t come without tears, frustration or pain.
Could it be that the long journey to build this home was the exact time and space my heart needed to heal and begin to open itself up to dreaming again?
For home is so much more than four walls and exquisite interiors. It’s the conversations and experiences I have with myself and the ones I share my space with. It’s not just my dream home, but a journey that stirred the personal healing and created the space I would need to experience the peace and beauty of all that it has to offer.
It’s also the journey that opened the doors of my heart and where I’ve given myself permission to dream again.
As I sit here and write this, for the first time I’m experiencing what it feels like to be “home”. The gift of rest and peace that “being home” can bring to ones soul. Oh the many lessons I’ve gained and in hindsight I’m thankful for each one.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned along this journey has been how to cause REAL action to bring my dreams to life rather than living reliant on others to bring me happiness and dependent on others or circumstances for action to begin.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you!
If you’re simply tired of being stuck and feel there’s no possible way out- know my heart is FOR you.
Have you given up on the life you’d hoped for and exchanged it for where you are now?
Does the storm never seem to end?
And yet- there’s a whisper deep inside inviting you to consider there could be something more…
If so, I would encourage you to take the first step towards your own journey. Reach out, ask for help. Having experienced the power of this transformational work in my own life, I went through the training to become a coach myself.
I’ve loved standing with others in REAL conversations that open up possibilities and bring power back to places they once felt powerless.
Click here to schedule your free call and see if transformation is what’s needed to allow you to restore and realize broken dreams and possibilities too.